Sometimes I don’t even know where to begin with some of the things I write about. I usually have a thought that I want to work through in the context of scripture. So it makes sense all my writing has been about giving Him all The glory that is due Him. Everything written down in The Bible somehow points to the greatness of God and ultimately leads to His glory. Sometimes those stories, as we read them, seem like there is no way God could use this awful situation for His glory. But time and again this proves true, just as an example look at Lot and his daughters. In Genesis 19 these two women got their father drunk and slept with him “to preserve the line”. The thing is the line was going to be established through Abraham regardless of what these women did. That was the promise given to Abraham and it was not on Lot or his daughters to make sure their bloodline would continue. However, from this act would eventually be born David and thus Jesus Christ. This is just one example of God’s foreknowledge overcoming and even using human action for ultimately His glory and will.

What does this have to do with right now in my life? My wife and I have been struggling with infertility for what seems much longer than it actually has been. We have been married coming up on 4 years and have been taking purposeful steps to get pregnant for about a year (like using Clomid, Letrozole, intrauterine insemination…etc). Yet nothing has worked. Next month she will go in to have her uterus internally scoped to see if something is there preventing implantation. If nothing is there we are facing the option of doing In Vitro or adopting. We have been told IVF is only about 50% effective and it is expensive, easily over 10 grand.

Every month when my wife has had her period it is as if she has lost something. She has a hard time expressing this but it is as if, at least at that moment, hope is the biggest loss we feel. Up until this point, we have said well there is always next month’s rounds of meds, shots, and doctors appointments. But now even that seems to be growing thin if not already exhausted. Granted we still have one more procedure and a critical decision to make but the loss felt this time seems more permanent than just a moment.

I honestly have no idea what it is like to be a woman and go through the emotions she is feeling. I can rationalize it and I can know what it is like but I can not feel that hurt she feels, I can not feel that loss she feels, and so I can not cry with her with the same intenseness she feels. God did not create me to carry a baby. My genetic makeup and structure are not built to hold another life inside it. I sometimes have thought those months leading up to birth must be the closest any person will ever get to know how God feels about us. I say that knowing God is the creator and giver of all life. Women are the only people on this planet that know what it is like to give life. So even if the doctors are being kind enough not to say “you might not ever get pregnant” the thought still echoes in your head and the loss felt is sometimes more than a person can handle.

Given this genetic makeup to carry a baby and the command to “go and be fruitful” would undoubtedly send one into asking “why” when pregnancy is elusive. Why would God create a person, like my wife, who is not only designed to carry a baby but is commanded to be fruitful, without the possibility of becoming pregnant? I know, for my wife, her big question is why does God allow this person, who is addicted to heroin, to conceive but we are shut out? Just take one look at the picture below. this is a couple who was driving erratically and were pulled over by Ohio state police. When pulled over they said they were trying to get to the hospital but ended up passing out only a few mins after being pulled over. This incident happened in East Liverpool a town that is less than a 20 min drive from where I live. So again why do people like this, or even those who don’t want a child (according to the CDC there were 652,639 abortions in 2014) end up pregnant yet we can not no matter what we try?

(before I go on this photo honestly makes me so angry. My wife and I would LOVE to have the chance to care for this little boy and these two “adults” are ruining their and the child life).

I believe God is in control of everything. Like I said earlier everything ends up giving Him glory. I read the book of Job and I see that Satan is accusing God of being too light on Job. That the reason Job praises God is because of His blessings. With this, He also is accusing Job of only being faithful to God when life is great. He contends Job is a weak man who will crumble if everything he had was taken away. Satan might have been the one to orchestrate Jobs temporary demise but look what Job 2:3 says.

Then the LORD said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. And he still maintains his integrity, though you incited me against him to ruin him without any reason.”

God is the one who takes the responsibility of allowing Job to go through his circumstances. Why did God allow Job to go through this? I think it was because God knew the character of Job. God knew that Job was a strong enough man in his faith and devotion to Him to be able to endure all the things he would have to go through. Yes, his life was shaken but Job’s faith was never once shaken. Even in the midsts of his friends ridiculing him and trying to force him to repent for things he never did and with all the pain, sores, smell, disease, and utter desperation, Job declares, I imagine with complete defiance to Satan himself “Though he [God] slay me, yet will I trust in Him” (Job 13:15). In God’s eyes, Job was a strong man of God’s so God knew he would endure the calamity that befell him. Job would end up becoming a better, wiser, and more devoted to God because of going through it than if he were spared. Time and again I read the Bible and I see men and women of extraordinary faith overcoming very intense life challenges. It is as if God is saying those who have the most faith in me I will let them endure the fire I cause so they can become more refined and transform more into being like my son Jesus Christ.

So I sit here today writing this with so much conflict in my head. On one hand, I can not understand why God would allow us to endure the challenge of infertility. Why is it okay to see His daughter mourn once a month over the hopelessness that comes with failed pregnancy attempts? Why cause two people who love Him very much so much grief? Why does He have to be the source of this anguish?

Yet on the other, I know He still holds me. I know He is my source of hope with or without a baby I know I have not truly lost hope. I know He is making me into a person with stronger faith. I find it somewhat uplifting that my wife and I have been chosen to endure these things because He knows we are strong enough in our faith to endure it. I know He will get the glory no matter what may come, even though I do not know how. I know we will not be welcomed into Heaven on if we had a baby or not but by the blood of the One who endured so much more than I will ever know. In that is where my hope lies. Even though He might be the source of this hardship, I will only, always, and forever trust and hope only in Him.  This knowledge still does not take away the hurt we both feel…

It seems so easy to focus on what we don’t have or what it is we think we deserve. If I am honest with myself I know I truly deserve only one thing and that is Hell. No matter what I think I deserve I know I have treated God with contempt. I have taken advantage of His kindness and have echoed millions asking “where were you God when”. I have neglected praising Him even in the harshest of times. I have neglected praising Him for all the years we had no school violence. I have neglected singing to Him for the years it was safe to fly. I did not give Him the praise and Honor He deserves for keeping those I do have in my life safe and healthy. I have continued to demand and ask “why me” instead of thanking Him for what He has already done and will continue to do in my life. I may not understand His ways but should not understanding why prevent me from singing to Him for everything He has done? Should I really be so bold to question Him and what it is He is doing only because I do not understand? Oh, hush mouth be silent for do you not know who it is you are talking to? Do my lips dare tell the Lion of Judah He is not fair? Do they question Him as if He is guilty of some wrongdoing? It is with my lips I have blasphemed the Most High God. It is with unclean lips I stand before a Holy God. What hope do I have? Lord have mercy on me, I do not deserve your steadfast kindness. You know our desire is to be pregnant but my true desire is always and forever will be only you above everything. It is only in you that life can exist, it is only in you that hope is found, it is only in you, Lord, that I can and will continue to glorify your name no matter what you may do to us.